I sometimes wonder, does the worry ever go away? Will I ever feel like a normal parent again? I feel guilty feeling this way sometimes. I know there are parents who deal with medical trials every single day with their kids. I know there are parents who don’t have their child here anymore and would give anything to have them here. Ruby’s here. All my beautiful kids are here.
Ruby has been super super sweaty lately, for the past month. Even when I feel like it’s cold she will be clammy and sweaty. She will cry and be drenched. Is it her heart? Is it the aneurysm stressing out a part of her heart? Is her aneurysm even there anymore? Is it getting bigger? When she runs around and then lays down, is her exhaustion due to her heart? Would she do some of the things that worry me even if she were heart healthy? She takes at least a 3 hour nap every day. Sometimes 4 hours. I’m not complaining, but none of my kids napped so well. Is it her heart? Questions. Questions all the time. So many worries all the time. She’s healthy. She’s happy. But always in the back of my mind is the fear that I’ll miss something. It’s literally always there. As she gets older and can communicate better I’m hoping that eases some of my concerns.
There are others who have such enormous trials compared to ours. I’m still scared sometimes. I still worry and have to pray constantly that I’ll be in tune with the Spirit so I can keep her safe, even though I know I need to trust God’s plan for our family. And sometimes our faith is tried in ways no one would ever want to dare believe could happen to them. Watching my dear friends go through the unimaginable as they have lost those loved most is so heartbreaking. I feel so guilty even worrying about Ruby. But it’s really the fear of joining my friends in their pain and knowing what it would be like to have something I live for taken away.