I wanted to document some feelings and thoughts as Ruby’s surgery date is so close. This Tuesday!
I so wanted to have the last few months all caught up for blogging. It just wasn’t possible and I kept praying that it would be. The thing is, and this is a morbid thought, but in case something awful happens, I wanted to have Ruby’s life documented because I don’t think I will be able to do it if something does happen to her. It is hard to type that out, but it is a thought that passes through my mind at times. Same with getting our family pictures. I just HAD to get pictures taken with all of us. I wanted to anyways, but this driving force was behind it all, knowing that if something happens to her I would be so sad not to have family pictures. These are not pleasant thoughts. But they do pop up in my mind at times, and more frequently the last few days.
Her surgery is on Tuesday. It’s on Tuesday! In less than two days my baby’s chest is going to be cut open. They will be stopping her heart to repair it, putting her on a bypass machine. I am amazed at what they can do. It is not an easy thing to think about at all. The bypass machine is really such an amazing thing. I am trying my best to continue focusing on the wonderful care she will receive, on the knowledge and skills and blessing it is to live by such an amazing hospital. I think I have been so very blessed to feel peaceful throughout the last 6 months. I really, really have. But I would be lying if I said there were not moments where I lose it and am terrified of the what-ifs.
This past week was another hard one–my surgery was a little more complicated than hoped (a surprise, out-patient surgery). I am much more sore than anticipated. It was on Tuesday and I honestly didn’t think it was going to hurt so much afterwards, but between the pain and the weakness and feeling sick and tired, it wasn’t so fun. I was a little afraid on the way to the hospital, but felt an immense amount of peace beforehand–because I started to think about Ruby and thought of what she was going through, and suddenly I just felt like it was no big deal. The recovery has been harder than anticipated. It’s just been a hard week, but again, like always, we have been surrounded by people watching over us and praying. Both mine and Dillon’s moms came and helped the day of my surgery. My sister came on Friday and folded probably 5-6 loads of laundry and cleaned a bathroom, plus brought pizza for us! A bathroom people :) ! Plus it was just so nice to hang out with some family again. Since we’ve had to be such hermits it felt like it had been a long time. Anyways, real-life angels have been a huge blessing to me this week. Oh, and friends who have brought meals and will bring one tomorrow! Even though I am capable now of cooking and cleaning, Ruby has a lot of pre-op work to be done at PCH tomorrow and I imagine it will be a busy day trying to pack for the hospital, finish laundry and hopefully spend a nice evening as a family. Plus I am still not back to 100%. I still tire easily and my tummy is still sore where each incision is. Oh how I hope we are home this coming weekend and she doesn’t have to stay through Christmas. My poor other kiddos have been such troopers. They are so wonderful. I just love my family so much.
I feel such an outpouring of love from people, a lot of strangers even. It’s just so amazing. Times when I feel down and alone, and then something happens and helps me realize that Heavenly Father is prompting these people and they are following through and blessing us so much. We received an anonymous gift tonight–it just said from the Lighthouse Ward. It’s a beautiful blanket for Ruby. All the prayers said in church include her. It is seriously SO touching!! This time is challenging. But oh my goodness, have we been so blessed through it all.
Tonight as I rocked Ruby to sleep and held her tightly, I thought a lot about Jesus and Christmas and The Atonement. Ultimately, it is so comforting to know that He will be there for Ruby. Yes, everyone says they bounce back quickly and I am immensely grateful for that. Those first couple of days, no matter how quickly they pass by for her, are still completely hard to think about her going through. I still cry when I see pictures from the first couple of days after Bailey’s surgery. Those feelings as a parent watching your child suffer are strong. And unforgettable. I’m hoping very much that they will be able to stay on top of her pain medication–that was soooo hard to watch Bailey go through them not being able to get on top of it until after giving her the blood transfusion and an amnesiac to help her forget the last few hours.
I guess I should go to bed! I will not be able to finish all I have to do tomorrow and should probably try and get some sleep so I’m more productive!
Originally posted on my family blog on December 16, 2013.